It was now December 2019 and a strange virus has broken out in a livestock market in China. COVID had arrived. It was weirdly different for me when the pandemic hit. When, for a lot of people the world seemed to be falling apart, I felt OK, not stressed out at all. In fact it was a relief for me in many ways. I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to do. The decision was made for me. I just stayed at home and well… learnt stuff. I was used to picking myself up and starting again. I’d had years of practice at that shit. This was when my ADHD brain went into overdrive. I hyper focused on computer programming, straw bale houses, and re inventing small scale community touring theatre like there was no tomorrow, and it seemed like there was no tomorrow. I’ve never been very good at thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow so this situation suited me down to the ground.
So where am I now? Three years on from the pandemic and almost a year after the discovery of my ADHD. I wish I could say things are better, but in many ways they are not. And yet again in my life I find myself having to reinvent myself and start again. And this time I’m really at the bottom. No more life lines, no second chances. And yes I’m back being a busker. This time with a smaller, friendlier more age appropriate show. It’s not the glory days, and it’s not the most exciting show I’ve ever developed. But do you know what, it’s the most consistent earner that I’ve ever had and I’ll settle for that.
Overall you could say that my working life was a game of two halfs. The early years of street theatre, when I was globe-trotting were happy go lucky for sure. I was oblivious to what was in my future, or indeed in my bank account. You know what they say, “ignorance is bliss”. But when I tried to ‘make something of myself’ things were different. The World was telling me that if I could just stick to the point, if I could just focus on one thing, if I could just find the one thing I wanted to do I would succeed. And when I just couldn’t do it, it was then that I tasted the bitter pill of failure. Every time, I earnestly listened to this mantra, I took it all on board. Every time I jumped in wholeheartedly. I would eat and sleep whatever it was. Days of hyperfocus. Total interest. Deep immersion. The rest of the world was shut out. Every time time it felt like this was it. I had finally found my thing. All I had to do was JUST keep going and at last I would succeed. And when that hot passion died, well… I just gave up. It’s a funny word ‘just’. It’s had a very powerful influence on my life. You see, it’s the inconsequential things that have really flawed me over and over and over again. Talking to others with ADHD it seems like I’m not alone. I’ve always found just doing certain things, things that are easy for most people to be really fucking hard. Not knowing any better I took this all to be a failing not in my brain chemistry, but in my character. I had failed at being good, failed at being successful, failed at finding my role in life, and, in the darkest moments, I have told myself that I have failed at life itself. Obviously my ambition, my passion, my motivation was not good enough. Other people’s was evidently better. So I fooled myself. I told myself and the world that I didn’t give a shit. I was happy just mucking about. Success, ambition, popularity, money. I was above all of that. Deep down I gave a shit more than I would care to admit, and with each small failure, came a another small chip in the veneer of my self esteem.
I realise that in reflecting on my life and work choices I’ve painted a dark picture. And I also realise that in telling this difficult and challenging part of my life I am constantly using the dreaded F word, ‘failure’. Forgive me, but I have to. You see it’s been constantly there, masquerading as my best friend. Written very large on my CV of life experiences. I’ve laughed it off, made a career out of it, cheerfully used it to define just who I am. But that’s not the whole story. You see, quite often my life has been dominated by what I haven’t done, or what I have failed to do, especially in recent years when life has got really tough. I realise that I have forgotten all the amazing things I have done. The amazing places I’ve been to. The amazing people I have met, all those countless people who I have made laugh.
Looking back at all of this through the lens of ADHD I’m now slowly coming to the conclusion that I have never failed at life. I’ve only really failed at being neurotypical which I can live with. Let’s face it, I was NEVER going to be any good at that, but hey ho… I gave it a good go.
So what now? Well I guess accept myself for who I really am would be a good start. It’s time for a different sort of giving up. Giving up trying being something and someone I’m not. It’s a challenge, there is a lifetime of bad habits and bad internal propaganda to get rid of, but I’m determined to give this one a good go as well. As for who I am? Well I am a creative, talented, intelligent human being, who has ambition to make his mark and change the world, but who is just a lot more sensitive to the pain of boredom, and the smart of criticism than most. And as for making life choices, I’ve given up trying to work out what I want to be. I’m going to just try and stick to maybe 2, 3 or 4 things that I really enjoy doing. Oh and embrace the fact that there will always be busking. It’s time to give up just trying to be neurotypical. Maybe even time to give up on the idea that I’m some kind of massive failure. I’ve done OK at life. I’m going to to just try to do it a litter better from now on.